Sunday, April 15, 2012

so much to share!!

okay so it's 12:16 am on Sunday morning and of course I should be sleeping but I've got soooo much to share!  I know that my Easter post is not finished but I promise to do so tomorrow!

Lets see:  Monday found me in so much pain it was crazy!  I swanny I have honestly become such a wuss lately... anyway...after multiple, multiple, phone calls to the Neurologist, my family physician, the pain management group and even my home health I was directed/ordered to go to the ER immediately as my blood pressure had risen to well over 240/180 and this is with BP meds...  Let me just state this before I go any further.  I don't know of anyone that can "fake" their bp reading and why they would but it's scary I know this now first hand!!   If you know me well enough to find me crying and calling my daughter to break the news I cannot watch the baby then you know I'm hurting.  Being needed is my job. Being in pain and allowing my children to see me like this is NOT something I like, period.

With Jersey in tow we arrive at the local ER.  My face feels as though a million needles are sticking in my teeth feel the sensation of air with every breath (I don't have any cavities or such) my head is bursting with a throbbing sensation that is going straight to my neck.  If screaming would help I honestly think I would have at this point.

The physician arrives and immediately, IMMEDIATELY judges me off of my pain meds alone.  OMG...I am looking at this man like "are you seriously kidding me?"  He comments that because I named all my meds by heart and called them "my meds" that those words alone were the sign of a person addicted to medications.  WHAT?  I thought Stephanie was going to come unglued.  He continued to lecture me for a good 10 minutes on how the state of Tennessee is smaller than California and how our addiction rate is 100x higher and how the Attorney General is trying to arrest and close down all these "Doctors" that are prescribing narcotics.  When I commented that I only take them as needed and sometimes have a few left over he accused me of "stock piling" them in my home with an infant.   Oh man......there were no words for the series of accusations he basically made at the side of my bed as I lay and finally.....finally.....I just blurted out, "Okay, then you, you tell me what to do after 15+ years of pain and 2 failed surgeries to correct the problem".  His only comment was, "You do have a terrible disease, one that causes a lot of pain, but I have no answer for you."   He followed with, "I will give you a pain shot to get your bp down and run a CT Scan and we'll go from there.  

Friends, let me say that aggravated doesn't even begin to describe how I was feeling.   After two hours and my blood pressure remaining around the same he returned to say, "Oh it appears you have Trigeminal Neuralgia.  This is excruciating and there is really nothing to give you total relief but I will be happy to give you another shot of pain meds.  He then places a "pain patch" over the entire left side of my face and wished me well and sent me away with a CT full of "Neurologist concerns".    

Now.'s several days later and I think the anger I was experiencing has finally calmed.  Anger is rare for me, I do get irritated from time to time but angry, no.   Well, needless to say he "riled my feathers!"   By the time Thursday came around,  Ms Meghan Underwood, my homehealth care advocate came by and my bp was within an acceptable range, she told me to forget about him and especially his attitude.  It's hard.  He made me feel like an absolute criminal or the equal of a drug addict looking for a fix.  It was reassuring to hear her tell me how well I handle my MS (notice I said MY MS)  how I'm able to take my medications without incident and how nice it was to have a patient that understood her diagnosis, prognosis and care plan.  Whew...okay, so I'm feeling somewhat myself when she leaves.  She's such a sweetheart!

So...Friday rolls around.  It's time I see Jay at Pain Management.  (if you've read my other Pain Management posts you'll understand this a bit better)    I'm NEVER late for a Drs appt.  My appt was at 8:30am.  I wake after not sleeping for days at 8:15!!  Really?  Seriously?  I'm able to throw my clothes on and jump in the car and sign in at 8:40!  Whew...... They ask me to pee.  Now I've just woke and tinkling you'd think would be easy breezy first thing, right?  Not hardly.  I began the chore of drinking a cupful of water in my little styrofoam cup.  Cup after cup.  For the record, I hate water and especially first thing in the morning!  My belly begins to feel bloated and after the umpteenth cup I think I'm going to throw it all back up.

My name is called.  I'm weighed and again I rejoice at the numbers the scale flashes back...then giggle thinking that 5 lbs is all this water I've just inhaled!   I spend several moments alone waiting for Jay when Ambre enters the room.  I've seen her on one other ocassion and we begin chatting about the recent weeks events.  My goodness...oh my goodness...I feel like she has heard me.  I mean REALLY HEARD ME!  She begins to share with me what her plan of action will be to get this Trigeminal Neuralgia under control and how to help me in reducing my meds.  Especially my pain meds.  Somehow during our conversation I stated that I even "write on my blog about my pain" and I've really been praying that God help me understand and learn from all this.  Well, well, well... I said, I'm a Christian and I know there is something for me to learn in this.  Mrs. Ambre says so sweetly, "I'm a Christian and I'm proud of it too".....


those words were so peaceful to me.  Okay, so here go the tears as I type....just hearing her say that~~ and as we began our a new conversation based on beliefs and faith I had an overwhelming sense of empowerment take over me it was,,, eyeopening.  During our moments of sharing she also jotted down her sister-in-laws blog that I've had the joy to read.  It's refreshing to read other blogs where children, family, faith and the Love of the Lord abide!

Who knew that in the years of the 21st century we would be sharing our faith via social medias through the www?
I recall as a young person in GA's (Girls in Action) and later as an Acteen that God promised everyone will have heard his name by his return.  EVERYONE.  I often wondered how that would be possible.  How?  hummmm....this, this right here is just one of the many ways.

so...after my visit...the last two days my thoughts have been filled with the previous weeks historical history.    History of pain.  History of how Jesus was persecuted, rejected, made fun of and then humiliated.   How He was betrayed.  The pain His body and His spirit endured during the days leading up to His death.  The torment He encountered while being crucified.  The heckling and calling of the people to persecute Him, persecute Him... and yet He paid a debt for you, for me.  A debt I certainly cannot pay.

What is it that this pain I am feeling is teaching me?  Is it to understand the pain of others? Is it to draw me closer to the Lord by humbling myself more to His will?  Is it to make me more appreciative of each day He gives me life?  Certainly it is these and many more but why does He allow us to have hard days?  Days of grief, sorrow, days when we are discouraged.  Days when the world feels like it's so bitter that nothing can bring a smile. Personally I believe that if we don't endure some dark days,  then, we will never appreciate the good days.  Goodness knows that on one of "My good MS days"  I am often quick to forget to to Thank Him!  Yet I'm first in line calling on him when the times get dark.  So all this hasn't been in vain this week.  My eyes have been open to others "pains" around me.  Financial worries, marriage commitment, job woes, family burdens, sickness,'s been everywhere just not in the form of physical hurt that I'm presently experiencing.  

so...borrowing the title from Ambres sister-in-laws's Myamazingjourney and mines a little crazy at times but I wouldn't trade it with anyone!  He wrote it, I'm living it!

Thank you Lord for a renewing of your word at a little Dr's office in TN this past week.  Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to sit right here on my bed at 1am and type these words where someone close in miles or someone 1000s of miles away can learn about your gift of salvation and eternal life!  Thank you that the pain I encountered enabled me to have a reassuring visit with Ambre.  Thank you for putting her in my path.  Thank you for letting me have the courage to say "I'm a Christian" and never be afraid or ashamed!!  Thank you for loving me just as I am and for knowing that each of my days are planned by you and you alone.  You are the Lord of Lords.  The King of Kings and you are the Ultimate Prince of PEACE for this girl.  Amen

took this picture while waiting...wish my spine was like Mr. Bonez here!  
just fyi....wonder if the first roller coaster was inspired by the spine?  look at it~lol

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